The anecdote
It was my week without the boys. The Monday after I have dropped them off with their mother. In these moments I usually felt deep grief. Like somebody had ripped my guts out. That is where I felt it - in my guts. And it was like there was an open wound there, with intestines dangling out. I felt raw and lonely and abandoned. I was in an apartment all alone. What do I do?
I remember sitting on my bed, looking at my phone, going through my contacts list. I was thinking, who can I call about this? Who haven't I drained too much already?
I found somebody and gave them a call. They picked up. I burst into tears and they listen to what is going on. It was just what I needed.
In many ways it was my friends that got me through this difficult period. Since we had kids, some of my close connections had dropped off as I found most of my time was taken up either with work or looking after the kids. We kept in contact, but there was no depth to our friendship.
Going through a separation changed all of that. I decided to talk to people about what was going on, no matter how raw it felt. Sometimes this would have been hard for them. A couple of people I leaned upon too much (one of them being a family member), which meant that even though we were drawn closer for a while, we also drifted apart soon afterwards.
But it was amazing to be able to share my emotion. To be heard. To have somebody willing to hold that space while I unravelled. Who encouraged me and gave me time to pick myself back up again. These people included family members and other close friends.
It helped me to process was I was thinking and feeling. And it helped me to move through those feelings and onto what was next.
The insight
I think there can be pressure during a relationship crisis to keep it in the family. This pressure can come from ourselves as we tell ourselves to toughen up; that nobody has time for this; that we are being weak; that we should be able to deal with this ourselves. Or it can come from the person we are having the crisis with; that this is a private matter; that we can work it out ourselves; that nobody else needs to know.
This, I think, can be detrimental to our mental health. Sure, we don't need to go and tell everyone, as tempting as that may be. But we do need to talk with a group of people that we can trust, and who we know will give us what we need.
I think finding at least two people is crucial. One of these could be a therapist. But somebody to share what is going on, and who is open to being called upon when things are really dire.
The consequences
As I said, this got me through some very dark moments. I am super grateful to my friends. They listened and laughed and cried. They hugged me and heard me. I apologise to those whom I drained and took advantage of.
The mindful wrap-up
I found talking to someone for the first time to be the most difficult. I knew that as soon as I opened my mouth to say that something was not right, I would probably fall apart. And I did. But how beautiful and necessary it was. It is a bold move to tell somebody. But probably the most important move to make.