The anecdote
It was my off-week with the boys, and I was sitting with a friend in a bar (pre my commitment to stop drinking…future post on Alcohol to come). He was one of my longest-standing friends; somebody I trust deeply and at the same time somebody who has challenged many of my most fundamental ideas about my perception of the world, including my view of relationships and sexuality. A friend from childhood, he was one of the first friends I had that came out as gay. Although I don't see him that much any more, he is a person I have a deep love and respect for.
As we were sitting in the bar, I was talking about the sudden change that had occurred in my life, relaying the story of the early days (future post on Origin Story to come). I was down in the dumps you might say. The most certain thing in my life had been taken away from me, and now everything seemed uncertain (future post on Uncertainty to come).
In one of his many pearls of wisdom and fundamental challenge, my friend opened up a world of truth to me. He said, "You know what: you can do anything you like from this moment. You have all the options in the world. If you wanted, you could travel to South America tomorrow and forget about this whole life you have here, and start something completely new".
I didn't know what to say. It jolted my sense of reality; something that was becoming quite common at this point in my life. Although I didn't want to acknowledge the choice and power I had, I intuitively knew he was right. Of course he was right. I had the money for the travel. I had a passport. I could leave tomorrow and start again. Removing all reference points to this painful episode; giving myself a clean start.
So if that were possible, then many of the constraints I experience in my life are constraints I choose. So what constraints do I choose?
In the coming days I thought deeply about this. What constraints do I choose in my life? I could come up with one fundamental constraint, which is still valid to this day.
The constraint I choose is to be an involved father in the life of my boys. Every other decision I make is built upon that constraint.
Thanks for your unique way of seeing the world, C, and for the moments of clarity you have enabled in my life.
The insight
The big insight for me is that I can choose many of the key constraints I have in my life. This is exciting and empowering, and also scary because it means I have more agency and responsibility than I might have been willing to admit.
I was able to see that there is only one constraint that I choose for the time being: to be the best father I can be.
The consequences
The consequences of this have been probably the most profound of any insight I have had. Every other choice I make is built upon this one.
For example, choosing not to drink, choosing where to live, choosing the type of job I want, choosing to take a year off work: these are all things that are tied back to this fundamental constraint.
This has been clarifying and energising for me. It has helped me to make many decisions, while also reminding me of what is most important to me.
I suppose one day I will discover that there is actually something more fundamental that this decision; perhaps underneath my decision to be an involved father there is something like a desire to create life, love and beauty in the world. That is not yet clear to me; but a good thought experiment for another time: What primary constraint would I choose if I did not have kids?
The mindful wrap-up
Whether we are aware of it or not, we are all making choices about the things that will constrain our lives. I am grateful for a friend who helped me to see that I could bring more awareness to the constraints I choose.
Choosing to be an involved father has brought clarity and purpose to many of the subsequent decisions I have had to make from that point on.
What constraints are you choosing in your life? Are there some that are no longer valid? Are there different constraints you could choose that may enable more of what you want in your life?